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Why ‘You Look So Skinny’ Needs An Upgrade

Compliments are great, right?!

Of course, we want to tell someone when they look great. Who hasn’t complimented someone who has obviously lost a significant amount of weight?! We probably all have. But we may be doing more harm than good…

In 2013, after finishing nutrition school, I weighed the least I’ve ever weighed, which was far less than when I was 16 years old. Yet I was complimented for how lean and fit I looked. The truth is this was an unhealthy weight for me and it was a result of being overly obsessive with my food choices and exercise. It was a result of having an unhealthy relationship with food. And while back then I loved the compliments, now I see how they reinforced my desire to stay at this unhealthy weight.

If you have to restrict, purge, over-exercise, or punish yourself (including your mental health!) in order to stay there (or get there), your body is not meant to be at that weight. – Gina Susanna, @Nourishandeat

Here are a few more human factors to consider as well.

What if someone’s weight loss is the result of a terrible breakup? Loss of work? Illness? Unbearable stress or depression?

What if that compliment is phrased as “Wow, you look so much better!” Well, this could easily cause a mental tailspin for the recipient. Were they judging me before, thinking I should look better? Was I loved less by them before I lost the weight?

A few readers at Beauty Redefined weighed in on this topic. One said, “When my mom was sick and three months later passed away, I was so stressed out and grief-stricken that I lost about 20 lbs. Everyone at work complimented me and told me to keep doing whatever I was doing because it was really working for me.”

Our culture reinforces the body image ideal that thin is desirable.

It’s time to shift the conversation.

In Heather Widdows’ article, A Duty To Be Beautiful, in Psychology Today, she says, “That (the) preoccupation of trying to attain unrealistic beauty standards causes increased anxiety, worry, feelings of failure, lowered self-esteem, disordered eating, relentless dieting and exercise obsessions, mental and physical health issues and overall diminished well-being.”

We can teach our daughters, sisters, nieces, granddaughters (and all human beings) that they are more than their bodies. We can do that by shifting the way we speak about bodies.

A person’s appearance is the least interesting thing about them. So, what can we say instead to turn the conversation to things that actually matter? How about…

It’s so great to see you so happy and healthy!

Or…

You’re so much fun to be around!

Or…

I love your perseverance.

If you really want to give a looks-based compliment, pair it with a compliment based on their character. For example,

You look incredible! I admire your ability to set goals and really pursuit them!

And finally, if you want more strategies to create a more positive body image for yourself or future generations, checkout my latest article in the JH Woman special section of the Jackson Hole News and Guide, Mirror mirror on the wall, what we look like isn’t all.

As always, I would love to hear your thoughts, comments and questions. I’d love to keep the conversation flowing. Let’s chat!

  • Tanya

Social Media Body Positive Feeds to Follow

Fill Your Feed with Body Positive Goodness

Improve your body image by following these positive body image social media feeds. Fill your feed with realistic and positive images of bodies and health. The messages that you see and hear everyday matter and influence how you feel about your own human body.

Pick the ones that speak to you, the ones that resonate with you and make YOU feel good, now.

BEAUTY REDEFINED

Twins, Lexie Kite, PhD and Lindsay Kite, PhD have become leading experts in the work of body image resilience through research-backed online education available on their website, social media, and through speaking events to tens of thousands across the US. Beauty Redefined changes the conversation about body image by telling girls and women they are MORE than beautiful. Lexie and Lindsay assert positive body image is about feeling positively toward your body overall, not just what it looks like.


THE BODY POSITIVE

The Body Positive is a nonprofit organization that teaches people to listen to their bodies, learn and thrive. Our ultimate goal is to end the harmful consequences of negative body image: eating disorders, depression, anxiety, cutting, suicide, substance abuse, and relationship violence.


BODY IMAGE MOVEMENT

Started by founder Taryn Brumfitt, the Body Image Movement (BIM) is on a mission to change the belief that your body is not an ornament, it’s the vehicle to your dreams. BIM is on a quest to end the global body-hating epidemic and believes that everyone has the right to love and embrace their body, regardless of shape, size, ethnicity and ability.

I am proud to be a Body Image Movement Global Ambassador since 2015. Link to my bio: https://bodyimagemovement.com/bimgas/tanya-mark/


BEAUTY SICK

Dr. Renee Engeln has dedicated herself to studying girls’ and women’s struggles with beauty and body image. She is the author of Beauty Sick: How the Cultural Obsession with Appearance Hurts Girls and Women, which reveals the shocking consequences of our culture’s obsession with girls’ and women’s appearance – effects on their wallets and their ambitions as well as their emotional and physical health, including depression, eating disorders, distruptions in cognitive processing, and lost money and time.


AMY PENCE-BROWN

Amy Pence-Brown is a fat feminist mother, writer, artist and body image activist for the past nine years who became internationally know for her radical stand for self-love at the Capitol City Public Market on August 29, 2015, in Boise, Idaho, which was documented in a blog post, photographs and a video viewed over 200 million times. Her message about the value of all bodies no matter what their size, has been covered by numerous media outlets, including CNN, USA Today, Cosmopolitan, People, TODAY, Huffington Post, Upworthy, HLN, the Dr. Oz Show, SHAPE, xo Jane and Fitness magazine. Amy’s radical stand for self-love is the inspiration for my column Radical Acceptance, in the Jackson Hole News and Guide, which focuses on promoting positive body image and redefining health.


SUMMER INNANEN

Summer is a Body Image Coach, author of Body Image Remix and host of one of my favorite podcasts, Eat The Rules (formerly Fearless Rebelle Radio) which is dedicated to body image, body positivity, self-worth, anti-dieting and feminism.


THE FUCK-IT DIET

Caroline Dooner is author of The Fuck-It Diet: Eating Should Be Easy which is not only hilarious but is scientifically and medically sound according Dr. Christiane Northrup. It’s a must-read for the chronic dieter. Caroline writes about our relationship to food and weight.


DIETSDONTWORKHAES

Debbie is an Advocate for Health at Every Size and Intuitive Eating. She shares inspirational and positive messages from tons of other Instagram accounts.


ASHLEE BENNETT

Ashlee is a body image therapist whose mission is to help you develop a healing relationship with your body, which involves mental, emotional, physical, social and spiritual domains of life.


DR. COLLEEN REICHMANN

Colleen is a licensed clinical psychologist, eating disorders specialist, and body positive activist.


TIFFANY ROE

Tiffany Roe is a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor, award winning psychology teacher, host of the Therapy Thoughts Podcast, speaker, OG therapy is cool merch creator, and owner of Mindful Counseling in Orem, Utah. Her goal is to help ya’ll have kickass mental health. She has focused her career on helping women make peace with mind, body, and food.


TANYA MARK

Last but not least! My social media pages share positive messages about non diet nutrition, body image, intuitive eating and eating psychology to help you make peace with food and your body (and if you haven’t read my FREE GUIDE yet, you can grab it here).

Have a favorite social media account that you love and would like to share it with me? I’d love to hear from you!

  • Tanya